Calypso with a Cause - “Make the most of the life we are given!” – Tamsyn’s Story
by Tamsyn Livingstone
My name is Tamsyn Livingstone and I’m a marine ecologist. I have two young sons, a loving husband, an incredibly supportive family and the most amazing supportive and loving friends. I am truly blessed in the things that matter most in life and for this I am beyond grateful.
I was diagnosed with stage 3 triple negative breast cancer in 2019 after two benign biopsies, a lot of researching to find answers regarding the large hot hard and sore lump in my breast. Followed by an unexpected cancer diagnosis and many months of treatment… but that is another story. This story is about being re-diagnosed!
So how does one describe hearing the words… “It looks like your cancer is back and has spread to your lymph nodes in your chest as well as your lungs, so you are now unfortunately sitting at stage 4 metastatic breast cancer.”
In one way you don’t even understand the stages when you first get diagnosed and just hearing you have cancer is enough to make the world stop for a few moments and for all the important things in your life to become very clear and apparent! But hearing it’s back, a month after you have just celebrated being 40 and cancer free, in the year when your focus was on getting back to “normal,” healing and recovering… well that is a bit like standing on the edge of cliff and feeling the rocks give way as you plummet down the side! Suddenly the mountain which I had been climbing the past two years, the one I had been walking and on which I overcome many obstacles, the one which I thought I was nearing the summit, well suddenly that mountain just gave way and it felt like there really was no summit for me!
The journey began as it usually does, with the need for a biopsy to confirm the type of cancer. The first biopsy through my sternum didn’t work and wasn’t pleasant, and the second option was a biopsy which involved a major surgery to try get to the lymphs in my chest through my side, having to avoid my heart, brain stem and lungs! It was at this point it became all a little too much. Confusion, hurt, anger, sadness – all these emotions started to surface! I knew my body was tired – it was recovering from two years of intense Chemotherapy, a Mastectomy and lymph gland removal, a return of cancer while on additional oral Chemotherapy, more surgery to remove it, radiation… the joy of the ‘all clear’ followed by the path of reconstruction which was not as easy as it should have been due to radiation… two fat grafting surgeries and still no boob! When I think of this, plus the emotions which people totally underestimate as they finish treatment and try to return to “normal”… it was all a perfect storm, really! A tired body, a weakened immune system, too many surgeries too quickly after treatment, the stress of life, and it’s no wonder my cancer returned with a vengeance. The thought of more surgery simply made me stop. I realised I was fighting a very different battle. I realised that at this stage it was a mind game and a long-term battle. I was no longer willing to just listen to the doctors – to hand the decisions over to them and to let them have complete control over my body with a treatment that was not guaranteed to work.
It took me a month or two to find my strength again, to mourn. But one day I woke up and simply decided I was not going to make decisions based on fear! I went for a walk around my neighbourhood simply uttering the words – “I am healed, I am whole and I am cancer free”. I didn’t know if these words would come to pass but I decided to stand on Gods promises regardless. I started researching and gathering information. I had been doing a coaching course and I completely changed my diet, I started to walk or exercise as when I could and because I wanted to and one day I realised that despite what was going on in my body I was feeling better than I had done in a while. I was still alive! That day I woke up and decided I didn’t know how but God had guided me before and would guide me again! I was not going to do anything if I didn’t feel a peace about.
In that time of course my cancer spread to the lymph’s in my neck, which wasn’t great, but it did allow us to get an easier biopsy to confirm it was still the same triple negative breast cancer. My markers continued to climb but it no longer scared me. I consulted with my homeopath and found a functional medical practitioner and decided that in order to put my body through chemo I needed to do an Onconomics RGCC test which tests your cancer against a range of chemical and natural substances. In all honesty I didn’t want to do Chemo again and was willing to try anything else. However, as God has and continues to do, He guided me. I have been so blessed despite the hardship of this journey. Friends and family raised money and I was able to do the test I desired to do! I was also able to add additional supplements from the functional doctor and homeopath to build my body up! I continued to speak to a life coach to work on my emotions and my diet. Once again, I was overwhelmed my people’s love – if there is one thing I can say about my life, it’s that I have an Incredible family and friends! They are the ones who remind me I can do this! My boys (and in that I include my husband) are the ones who give me the strength to keep fighting. It was with some reluctance I started chemotherapy early on in the year, the aggressiveness of my cancer and confidence the Chemo I was going to have would give me a chance to get on top of it, plus the confidence that I had built my body up and would continue to do so…
I wouldn’t wish this journey on anyone, but this year has taught me many things I didn’t learn the first time around. I have wondered why God can’t just heal me but as I learn and grow more I realise that sometimes instant healing isn’t what we need and I continue to trust I will get there but I will be healed in many other ways too. I have also realised that even if I get to the summit of this mountain I am still climbing, that that is not where the journey ends. Learning to stop and focus on the journey is actually what life is about. If you are constantly looking up at the summit you miss the beauty all around you! And if you never stop to see the view or to look back at how far you have come, you are missing the point. Life is about the here and now and the NOW is all we have (I read that in a book!).
I have also learnt and am still learning to unpack my backpack! After all I don’t really enjoy carrying a heavy backpack when I hike (my husband knows, ha ha). I realised I couldn’t do it all or carry all my worries, so some days I sit and hand them all to Jesus. I reckon He can handle it and He is much better at taking care of my worries than I am!
I am learning to love myself as I am right here, right now – to praise my body for all it’s enduring! To be grateful for it – to remind it – it can heal! To be kind to myself when I get things wrong, have a bad day, loose my stuff! I am learning to cry, be mad if I need to be, be sad if need to be and then let it go! I am learning to meditate, to be present and just stop. To really take note of my surroundings – to not multi-task and make lists in my head of what I should be doing!
I don’t know where this journey will lead or if I will one day be cancer free, but that is my hope and prayer and I refuse to give up on it! I don’t know why me, but I always say “well why not me”… nothing makes you immune from this disease but then nothing makes us immune from death itself… all we can do is try to make the most of the life we are given, to grow, to learn and to just keep swimming until our days are done!